


I'd wait a thousand years

by ForeverDoesntExist



Category: Figure Skating RPF, Sports RPF
Genre: HabiPrayerCircle4Gold, M/M, You know how this goes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-21
Updated: 2019-06-10
Packaged: 2019-10-13 15:33:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,837
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17490602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ForeverDoesntExist/pseuds/ForeverDoesntExist
Summary: Your grief path is yours alone, and no one else can walk it, and no one else can understand it.-Terri Irwin





	1. The End

**Author's Note:**

> Nothing I can really say about this one, anyways I hope you can enjoy this thing that I wrote in a few hours :) Let me know everything on the comments :)  
> Xoxo

 

_What the hell is he doing in there?_

Yuzuru hit the doorbell button with his shoulder for what seemed the thousandth time.

_I swear to God that if he’s just napping on the couch again…_

He resigned himself to a cruel fate and put down the four bags he held in his arms, full of groceries to the brim. Regretting now his decision to buy the ingredients in order to make his fiancées favorite dish.

_Who knew you needed so much shit to do a freaking paella?_

His arms hurt. His back was killing him.

_And that lazy fucker is probably sleeping somewhere…_

He finally found his key to the apartment and opened the heavy wooden door, cursing all the way to the kitchen, finally getting the damned bags on top of the counter and gaining back the feeling on his thin arms.

“Javi!” he called out.

The only answer he got was a soft meow. Effie padded her way to him like always, almost as if welcoming him home. She gently nudged his leg and quickly sat in front of the door.

_She has been acting weird for days now, I should ask Javi if maybe we should take her to the vet._

He was starting to get worried about the lack of response from his partner and ran to the bedroom to check if he was just deeply asleep, indeed.

_It happened before, the idiot sleeps like a log._

The bed had been obviously made after he left that morning.

_I guess my lectures finally worked._

Javier wasn’t the tidiest person, but he had to admit that the older one tried his best to please him and abide by his every whim. So, once he had moved he had settled a few rules, making their bed before leaving the house, was one of them.

He knew the other one wasn’t fond of the task, but he was always the first one to wake up and leave for training early in the morning. Leaving Javier to deal with whatever mess they had made the night before.

And today was no exception.

He searched for his phone somewhere in one of his pockets and called the familiar number he knew by heart.

There was no answer. It didn’t even ring.

_Well, thank God it’s not an emergency. Why is he always running out of battery?_

The apartment was eerily quiet, he found it almost disturbing, he peeked over the couch to check on their cat and found her still on the exact same spot.

_There’s something seriously wrong with that cat…_

“Shit.”

_I forgot her food._

Going back into the kitchen to grab his wallet and keys, he noticed the post-it note on top of the fridge.

**“I have a late training session today, won’t be home till dinner.**

**Te amo.”**

At the end, he had even drawn one of his ugly little hearts.

He loved the man, but he couldn’t draw hearts to save his life.

It was a fact.

Still, that meant that Javier could stop by the store and grab some cat food on his way home.

_And that means that I don’t have to leave the house and get all wet again._

Reminding himself that his partner’s phone was not an option, he tried Brian’s. Since they were still stuck in the TCC he could deliver his message, for sure.

It only rang once.

“Yuzuru?” Brian’s voice seemed off, almost like somewhat panicked.

“Hey coach," he couldn't find it in himself to just ignore it, "is everything okay?”

“I…how are you?” His tone changed to an almost desperate one, it was unsettling.

“Brian, we saw each other a few hours ago, I know you miss me when I’m not there but c’mon.” He joked.

The coach laughed as he intended, but it sounded more like a choked sob.

_Is he crying?_

“Right, you are right.”

_He admitted that I'm right? There's definitely something wrong._

“Of course I’m right, could you tell Javi something for me?”

“Javi?”

“He told me he would be there all afternoon,” Javier wouldn’t lie to him, that much he was sure of, “he’s over there, right?”

“Of course he is,” this whole conversation seemed odd to him, Brian was taking long breaks between answers and it sounded like every line was carefully crafted, “what do you want me to tell him?”

Yuzuru told him the intended message and Brian simply hummed through it and the Japanese skater was getting the idea that his coach wasn’t paying any real attention to his words. This was not Brian’s usual behavior. At all. 

_What on earth is going on?_

“Brian, if our cat starves to death I’m going to blame you.”

For the first time since the beginning of their exchange, the Canadian let out a real laugh. Perhaps he was busy with the new kids. Jun must have done something to annoy him. Or even Javier wore him out with all his plans for the next tour of Revolution on Ice.

God knows he could go on about it for hours.

How his fiancée managed to teach a whole class of kids and still somehow promote skating on his home country, was something Yuzuru didn’t really understand.

He could barely skate and keep up with housework.

_But wasn't his fighting spirit what made me fall in love with him, in the first place?_

Giving up was not part of Javier Fernandez’s vocabulary and that had shaped him into the brilliant skater and man that he was today.

“Yuzuru,” Brian's voice brought his attention back to the phone currently held against his ear and supported by his shoulder, while he tried to sort his groceries and put them on the right cabinets, “will you...call me tomorrow?”

“Call you tomorrow? We have a training session at nine, are you canceling on me?”

He couldn't afford losing practice time just before the Grand Prix Final.

He was going to win that gold medal even if he had to go train at a public rink all by himself.

“Right.”

“Brian, is everything really okay with you? Do you want me to call Tracy? I know it’s her day off but I’m sure she can-”

“No!” his shout almost made Yuzuru drop the phone into the sink, “Don’t call her, I’m fine, really.”

“Okay then,” he wasn't convinced, but he would just talk to him tomorrow, “I’ll see you tomorrow!”

Brian took a second too long to answer.

“Goodbye Yuzuru, take care.”

 

* * *

 

“What is it?” She asked as she entered his office and saw his unsettled expression.

“I just got a phone call.”

“Who was it?”

“Yuzuru.”

Tracy’s eyes immediately filled themselves with tears.

It had been years.

“Our boy.”

"Not quite."

"Still, I miss him so much that it's just..."

She didn't dare to go on.

“Painful”, Brian looked at the flags surrounding the ice, one of them black, right next to the white and red one, “trust me, I know.”

 

* * *

 

“Yuzu!”

Javier’s voice echoed through the whole apartment. He was home.

_Finally._

He almost ran all the way to the front door. Not even giving the taller one enough time to take off his jacket. As usual, Javier dropped the bags in his hands at once and caught him just in time.

He’s had years of practice.

“Javi!”

Javier held on to him and Yuzuru peppered kisses all over his face. Clearly, he had been missed.

“You know, I’m really enjoying this whole “welcome home” thing, but I’m getting you all wet.” He said pointing at his own jacket and Yuzuru’s now wet shirt clinging to him like a second skin, “even though the view is quite alluring now.”

The younger one scrunched up his nose as he started to actually feel the cold seeping through his bones and quickly jumped from the Spaniard’s arms. Once he had his feet back on the ground he smacked the side of Javier’s head.

“What happened to your phone?”

Javier smiled like a little boy caught red-handed and scratched the back of his neck, “It ran out of battery, sorry if I worried you.”

Yuzuru was about to start his usual speech about being a responsible adult and not worrying your partner like that when the Spaniard decided to cut him off and press his lips against his.

The cold from Javier’s lips made him shiver upon the contact, still, he couldn’t help but melt against him. Forgetting once again any concerns about his shirt. It was beyond saving anyway.

_Might as well enjoy it._

Things were about to progress further, but Javier stopped the other skater’s wandering hands only to grab them on his own and place a chaste kiss on them, “I should get a shower, then we can have fun. It’s not very sexy to end up sneezing when I should be paying attention to other…things.”

Yuzuru laughed at him and at the whole prospect of a fun night, taking his jacket off him and hanging it on the coat hanger by the door, he pushed him towards their bedroom, “Go but make it quick. Food is almost ready.”

The Spaniard stopped on his tracks at the mention of food, “What’s on the menu?”

“Your favorite.”

“That was really smooth, but I’d rather have you later tonight with a full stomach.”

That earned another smack to his head.

“Okay okay, paella? You should have told me, so I could have helped you. Last time you ended up with a hundred bags.”

Yuzuru snorted at him and at the implication that he couldn’t carry a few bags, “I’m perfectly capable of-”

Once again he found himself silenced by a pair of lips touching his own, this time only warmth filled his entire being and he couldn’t help but run his finger through Javier’s hair.

_God, I saw him just this morning and I already miss him like crazy. How could I ever live without him?_

Hearing a moan escape the younger one’s lips, who was clearly far too gone to even realize that they had actually reached their bed, he untangled himself from Yuzuru and pecked his nose, “You are making this hard on me.”

“I’m glad.” He wiggled his eyebrows and Javier burst out laughing.

“I really need that shower…” Melting at the soft deer eyes he removed his hands from the wet curls and sent him on his original path.

“I’ll be in the kitchen, slaving over the stove for you.”

“You really are the best wife material. No wonder I want to marry you.”

Javier avoided the first pillow thrown at his face, yet he didn’t dodge the slipper.

 

* * *

 

Shoma raised his hand to knock on the familiar wooden door, yet he figured it didn’t make a difference.

_Like always._

Fishing the key from his jeans he opened the door and prepared himself.

_I hate doing this._

_I wish I could just make it all stop._

_Just one day, just one._

He entered the apartment and found Effie sitting on her usual spot by the door, looking at him with disappointed eyes. Shoma bent down and patted her head.

“I’m sorry little one.”

She seemed to understand him and softly meowed at him. As if saying, _I know._

The interior of the house was cooler than the scorching sun he had braved just to get to Yuzuru. It took him almost half a day to reach him, but still, he had found himself incapable of not coming. These visits had somehow morphed into a duty he had placed upon himself.

A few weeks ago when his phone had ringed and he had talked with Yumi, he had made a decision.

_It’s the only thing I can do for him._

_It's the only thing I can still hang on to._

He made sure his red eyes wouldn’t betray him by checking himself on the mirror on the hall, wincing at his whole appearance, and took off his cap, hanging it on the empty coat hanger.

Shoma looked at his reflection one last time.

Only a broken man stared back at him.

_He won’t notice._

_Like always._

He tiptoed through the apartment, trying to find his old friend when he spotted him leaning against the stove and checking on some pots. No doubt cooking dinner.

For him and someone else.

“Yuzu?” He tried to call, without spooking him.

That didn't work as intended, as Yuzuru dropped the spoon he was holding and nearly hit a pan.

“Shoma? How did you get in?”

“The door was open.” he simply explained.

“It was?” he wanted to doubt his friend’s words but blushed at the reminder of his early activities and how Javier had been distracted enough to somehow forget about such things.

“He must have forgotten about it.”

“Who?”

“Javier, who else would it be?” Yuzuru shook his head at Shoma’s silliness and went back to the steaming pots.

“Of course.”

He didn’t notice how Shoma opened a cabinet just below the kitchen counter and took out a bag of cat food.

Or how he filled Effie’s bowl and she nuzzled his hand in a silent, _thank you._

“So what are you cooking? Anything I can help you with?”

_Might as well make myself useful._

“Oh, it’s just paella, Javi’s favorite. Which reminds me, did he bring Effie’s food like I asked him to?”

Yuzuru ran to the hallway to check on something.

Something Shoma clearly couldn’t see.

“Where did he put the bags? I can’t believe he forgot to bring it when I even called Brian to tell him exactly that...”

_Wait._

“You called Brian?”

“I did, why?”

“Nothing, just...what did he say?”

He would have to talk to Brian one of these days. They had told him to stay away, but he knew it wasn't fair. He had been a father to Yuzuru for many years. He deserved better.

“He was acting weird actually like I hadn’t seen him just this morning.”

“That's weird, I bet he just had a rough day.”

“Yeah that’s what I thought too, well dinner is almost ready, will you join us tonight?”

He couldn't stay, that was one of his rules.

It would only get worse from there.

“I’m actually on a hurry and I don’t want to impose on you two.”

“You wouldn’t but I guess I can’t make you stay…"

_Please…Please…Don’t leave me…Please come back…_

Shoma shook his head and tried to clear his mind, locking his memories about that day back to the place where they belonged.

The mind was a dangerous thing, and you could only fool it for so long.

He needed to get out of there.

Fast.

“So any news?”

“No, everything's the same…Javi still can’t draw hearts.”

“Oh?”

“Here, he tried again this morning.” He showed Shoma the post-it in his hand, an old piece of paper, already crumbling and the writing barely there, a consequence of time.

A memory at best.

The same piece of paper Shoma had seen a thousand times before.

And every time he avoided looking at it.

_For how long will we break ourselves like this? Over and over again._

_Will I join you one of these days?_

“Can you call Javi for me, I can’t hear the shower running so he must be getting dressed.”

_I can't Yuzu._

_You don't know how hard I wish I could call him for you._

“I...” the younger looked at the bedroom across the living room, the door was wide open, no light or sound came out of it. He closed his eyes and took a breath.

He needed to think fast.

He needed to think on how this night was going to end.

There wasn't a simple answer or a solution, but everyone had given up on one a long time ago.

_Forgive me, but I’m not going to be brave tonight._

“He said he’s almost ready, he only needs ten minutes more.”

Yuzuru stopped fussing over some plates he was setting on top of the table and looked at him, “Oh great then.”

_Time to go._

Shoma couldn’t do this for much longer so he just turned on his heels and headed for the door.

“Shoma?”

He couldn’t just ignore the quiet plea and the questions that it carried.

_Be brave._

“Yuzuru.”

“Yes.” The older skater’s face betrayed nothing.

Are you still in there? Can you still hear me?

"You know what happened, don't you? You know about him? You remember?"

"Stop!" Yuzuru cried out, holding both his hands to his ears, in some attempt to cover them.

There, he could see it, a crack in all of his madness. He had seen it before, and that's what had given him hope to carry on with all of this.

That one day he would be back, and everything would go back to normal.

He had faith.

"I can't stop Yuzu, I can't just give up on you like this."

He started to make his way towards him.

He could reach him.

He was sure of it, "Javier wouldn't want me to give up on you either."

Shoma put his arms around the taller one and felt his tears fall. He had lost count of how many times he had tried. Yet something always begged him to try again and again.

They held each other for a long time, or at least that’s how it seemed to him, then all of a sudden he heard Yuzuru say something that crashed all of his illusions back to dust.

"Javier there you are."

Shoma opened his eyes and looked at Yuzuru, who was gazing lovingly at something or rather, someone by the bedroom's door.

_He looks so at peace._

_Who am I to disturb him, when the reality is much more painful?_

_You can be brave tomorrow again._

He let go of the older one and gently told him, “Say hi to Javi, for me?” he swallowed and turned his back to him heading for the door once more, “I miss him.”

_They all did._

_Yet he left more than a broken family behind. He left a ghost of a man suffering until somehow God remembers him._

“Of course!”

He let the tears fall and brought a hand to cover his mouth to stop the sounds from coming out. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Yuzu.”

“Bye bye!”

Shoma ran, and after grabbing his things he spared a last look at Effie, “I’m sorry.”

She tilted her head and he could have sworn he had heard a silent, _I know._

He only made it as far as the elevator before he collapsed.

“I’m so sorry...I’m so sorry…”

 

* * *

 

The one that was supposed to hear these words could no longer hear him, but behind a closed door, a lifelong companion stood her place.

“Effie come here.”

She looked at the person calling for her like he did every day.

Yet she remained exactly where she was.

Where she had been for the last three years.

And just like a young man’s heart yearned for his best friend to come back to him.

She stood there, waiting for her owner to come back as well.

 

* * *

 

_Excess of grief for the dead is madness; for it is an injury to the living, and the dead know it not._

_-    Xenophon_

_Denial helps us to pace our feelings of grief. There is a grace in denial. It is nature's way of letting in only as much as we can handle._

_-    Elisabeth Kubler-Ross_

 


	2. The Beginning Of The End  - Part I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All the art of living, lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on.
> 
> -Havelock Ellis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to this lovely person that inspired me to write a backstory for these two. I hope you enjoy this little piece of angst, even though it has been ages :P

 

 

_“It’s time to go Yuzu.”_

_Yuzuru got up from his kneeling position on the cold hard ground. Mud covered his knees, his once polished shoes and even part of his long, black winter jacket._

_He didn’t seem to notice._

_He stopped noticing many things, since then._

_The flowers that someone had shoved in his hands, now lied in a messy pile on the floor._

_They were beautiful. He liked roses. Did Javi like roses?_

_He didn’t remember. But that was okay, Javi liked anything he gave to him._

_It had always been like that._

_“We need to go.”_

_“Yes.” He looked up at his best friend’s concerned face, then around him, everyone seemed so sad and in a hurry to leave._

_Why was Laura crying? It didn’t suit her._

_“Yes, we should.”_

 

* * *

 

 “Yuzu…”

_“Hana stop poking your brother with the chopsticks,” Yuzuru took the wooden sticks from her chubby hands and stashed them away, “you use them for eating, not poking people!”_

_The little child nodded but he knew that this wouldn’t be the first time they would have this conversation. It was already the tenth time that week._

_Standing by the coffee machine, he spotted Javier with his coffee mug in one hand with the other trying to muffle his laughter._

_“Don’t laugh, it’s not funny!” he scolded him, hitting the side of his head with the chopsticks still his hands._

_“Aren’t you happy she didn’t use a fork or knife though?”_

_“That’s not-”_

_“Knife!” they both looked back the breakfast table as the Hana repeated her apparent new favorite word._

_“Oh my God, no Hana no knife!” Yuzuru hurried back to the twins and gave her a plastic fork instead, “hurry up, we are late for school.”_

_“Yes, pa-”_

“Yuzu wake up!”

“What…? What?” he looked around him in a daze and the apartment didn’t seem to have caught up in flames, “Why am I awake?”

Javier gave his boyfriend the most patient look, and grabbed the covers that Yuzuru was starting to wrap around himself yet again, “Listen, I don’t know about you but I don’t really want Brian to give me a lecture,” he bent down to lay himself on top of his partner and suggestively whispered in his ear, “again, like every time that you got us late to morning practice this week, because you prefer a different kind of warm up.”

Yuzuru kicked Javier off him, his face almost blood red from embarrassment, “Like you didn’t enjoy it too.”

The Spaniard still clutching his bruised ribs, quickly realizing his mistake, did his best to backpedal, after all, the consequences of his careless teasing could be dire, “Hey hey I didn’t say that!”

His partner took back the sheets from his boyfriend’s grasp and wrapped them around himself, to cover his less than proper state, as he finally rose from their bed, “Sucks to be you then, because you are not getting any today or…ever.”

“Wait-”

Yuzuru’s screech echoed around the apartment as he fell into a heap of soft cotton sheets and limbs. The Spaniard could have sworn he had taken some piece of furniture down with him.

Javier made his second mistake that day.

He laughed.

“I hate you.”

“Love you too!” Javier screamed back at him as Yuzuru tried to compose himself and somehow get to the bathroom safely, still attempting to keep some of his dignity intact.

It only took him a few seconds to come back into the bedroom, a murderous expression in place as expected.

Javier didn’t think it would take Yuzuru this long to realize the obvious.

_Time to pray._

“Javier.”

“Yes, love?” Javier put up his best innocent eyes and prayed he would somehow escape his boyfriend’s incoming wrath. They had a lot to do.

_Try to get to the TCC alive Fernandéz._

“What time is it?” Yuzuru had his eyes closed and one of his hands pinching the bridge of his nose, obviously trying to keep calm.

_Not a good sign._

“Six? Six-ish?” he quickly moved to the farthest side of the bedroom just in case the younger one decided to throw something at him. Wouldn’t be the first time, after all.

“Javier.”

“Yes...darling?”

“It’s six in the morning…training starts in three hours, so once again,” he walked slowly in Javier’s direction and the other skater gulped, he knew better than to lie to Yuzuru, even if for a good cause, “why am I awake?”

“You see…it’s not my fault…” Javier wasn’t sure if the day would end up as planned but he had to make sure he could survive long enough to get Yuzuru out of the house at this ungodly hour, get them both dressed and ready to go. Brian had been fairly flexible given the circumstances but he doubted that he would actually give them all the day off.

“Explain.”

“I checked my phone earlier in the morning, and Brian had left me a message to warn us that training had been rescheduled to like…an hour from now…?”

Yuzuru just shook his head and dragged himself to the bathroom once again, “I take it back, I don’t hate you…I hate both of you.”

“Hey!”

 

* * *

 

_“Do you think I will forget him, mama?”_

_“You won’t.”_

_“Do you think he blames me?”_

_“He doesn’t.”_

_“But it was all my fault!”_

_“No, it wasn’t, please darling…”_

_“I should be the one in that grave.”_

_“Please don’t say that.”_

_“It’s what everyone’s thinking anyway, how can I even face his family when they know that it’s me they should blame!”_

 

* * *

“Hey, where’s Jackson?” Yuzuru asked looking behind them and immediately noticing the bodyguard’s absence. That was unusual.

“I gave him the morning off.” His boyfriend answered, a suspicious smile on his face as he pulled him along by his hand.

“You did what?”

Nowadays days it had become rather unusual for him to walk anywhere outside without his personal bodyguard, it had seemed extreme in the beginning but after a few unfortunate encounters with some of his fans, the Japanese federation itself had suggested new security measures. Apparently, that’s what you got after winning an out of the ordinary amount of Olympic Gold medals and almost half a dozen World Championships.

He had fought the whole prospect of having someone shadow his every move in the Canadian city but after some seriously scary situations, even Javier had begged him to accept the new security detail. In the end, he had relented but in exchange, he demanded that only one bodyguard was to be hired and if he ever needed some time alone with his boyfriend then he would not interfere since he would never be actually alone.

Sometimes even champions needed to breathe.

“It’s like half past six in the morning, your stalkers are all asleep, charging batteries to follow you around in the afternoon instead.”

“Really funny,” Yuzuru laughed dryly and pointed his bony finger at him, “and don’t call them stalkers.”

“But they stalk-” he immediately stopped himself after getting punched on the left side of his ribs, “fine…I meant your lovely over-eager fans?”

“Slightly better.”

Javier laughed at his scrunched-up nose and fought the urge to kiss it in the middle of the street. Even after all these years, Yuzuru was still embarrassed out of his mind to share affection in public. And given the fact that fans had never stopped their (sometimes over the top, in Javier’s opinion) adoration for his boyfriend, they could never be totally sure that they were indeed alone.

Anywhere.

Forget the bodyguard, he hadn’t felt completely on his own since he started dating Yuzuru Hanyu.

It was unsettling and it made him slightly anxious every time he left the house, constantly looking over his shoulder reminded him of the old days back in Moscow, but that had been a price to pay after the public announcement of their relationship. He had wondered many times, what would it be like to just go back to Spain, take figure skating to another level back home, perhaps put an ice show or two together for the Spanish audience, marry a girl and start a family.

Simple and safe.

But could he really go back now? If he ever decided to go back home he would forever be branded as the man that had broken Yuzuru Hanyu’s heart, the scandal that would follow his career would get out of control in no time, he would never get enough sponsors to ever pull off any show of his own and even if he wanted to marry one day and start a family, his past would forever haunt them.

_To be the one that left Yuzuru Hanyu._

He had replayed this possible outcome so many times inside his head. Him leaving, him saying goodbye, him embracing his family once again and never having to walk through the snow-covered streets of Toronto every morning to get to work, sparing himself a life of hardship and judging eyes.

_Never having to wonder when I’ll finally freeze to death and be put out of my misery._

Javier looked at the person walking beside him, his hand tightly held onto his own. He smiled to himself, the outcome would always be the same no matter what. He could think of all the consequences that leaving would mean to him.

But why think of all of this when you couldn’t even think of parting ways with your boyfriend for four days when he needed to attend some competition on the other side of the globe?

_Why even try to imagine a life without the love of your life, when you missed him already when he took too long on the shower sometimes?_

“Javi…you’re thinking too hard, I can see smoke coming out of your ears…”

Yuzuru had stopped walking and looked up to him expectantly, his head tilted to one side and half of it hidden by a gigantic beanie, his red scarf swallowing almost his whole face.

He looked ridiculous.

_Why think of leaving Yuzuru Hanyu when that, has never been truly an option?_

“It’s a beautiful day don’t you think?” he said and just threw his arm around his boyfriend’s waist, pulling him onto his side, as if somehow they could get warmer that way.

Yuzuru opened his mouth to scowl at him but seeing Javier’s puppy face, he relented, “It would be even more beautiful if I could appreciate it from my warm bed, at home.”

“Would you look at that, Yuzuru Hanyu complaining about early training,” Javier teased, “a few years ago you wouldn’t have even blinked.”

“You are right, perhaps I’m getting old.”

_If anyone is getting old is me, you just look fifteen like always._

“We both are,” Javier agreed and pressed a quick kiss to the side of Yuzuru’s covered head, the beanie almost falling off, he remembered how he had shoved it down his head right before they left the house, having to resort to some bribing to get his boyfriend to agree. It had been worth it, and so much better than having to listen to him whine about cold ears for two hours straight, “and I’m loving every second of it.”

_Let’s grow old together, Yuzu._

_Let’s share the rest of our lives together._

“Great, besides being deprived of sleep I also get the cheese.” Yuzuru tried to shove the Spaniard away from him but Javier was quicker and just wrapped himself around his small frame again, quite like a koala. Even with his enormous jacket, he could easily trap him against his chest.

“Shut up, you love me.”

Yuzuru looked around them, an unconscious habit, the streets looked almost empty so he decided to be brave and turned around in Javier’s arms, facing him, “You’re a sap, but you’re right,” he pushed himself up on his toes and kissed the other’s cheek, giggling like a teenager as he locked their hands together and kept walking towards their initial destination.

Javier still a bit moved by the bold gesture smiled.

This was the life they had both dreamed of for so long.

They had everything they had ever wanted from life: success and love, friends and family, dreams and a future.

Javier still remembered how they had gotten together all those years back.

A bit clumsy, a bit afraid of each other’s possible reactions. Yet neither had backed out at the last minute and laid their hearts bare to each other. Neither had a clue what the outcome would be, yet hoped for the same thing.

For their love to not be one-sided.

Once they realized that all this time they had been waiting for each other, it was like everything had fallen into place. They were good training mates and friends, amazing rivals and confidents once things got rough, but they were even better as life partners.

It all made sense. It all felt right.

Yet after today, nothing would be the same.

 

* * *

 

_“Let me talk to him.”_

_“Shoma, he’s not well…and you…”_

_“What do you propose? That he hides here forever? Do you think that this would be what he wanted for him, that he becomes one of the permanent residents of this place alongside him?”_

_His face burned, a once soft hand had now marked his pale skin. A mark born out of anger, pain, and anguish. Perhaps for someone beyond saving._

_“I don’t know! What I know is that he’s gone and I’m the one who has to deal with a barely alive son, so please just leave. He needs time, away from all of you!”_

 

* * *

 

When Javier finally noticed their surroundings, they were already at the entrance reception of their skating club, the nerves were finally settling in. But not once did he have doubts about what he was about to do.

“Do you still remember your first day here?” he asked Yuzuru as they handed their ID cards to the lady in front of them.

The other skater looked at him quizzically, but answered nonetheless, “Yes, I remember being terrified.”

“What? Everyone instantly loved you once you arrived.”

It was true. Not a single soul on the Cricket Club had been immune to the gangly kid that had arrived from one of the biggest skating federations in the world. It had been years since they had welcomed such an important skater into the club and once Yuzuru showed his stupid infectious smile at people, it had been game over for half the staff.

“I wasn’t scared of Brian or the other coaches, you know.”

“Then…?” Javier couldn’t actually think of someone that would have intimated Yuzuru back at the time.

“I was terrified of you.”

_Me?_

“Wait, what? Why? We had met before, we had even gotten along pretty well.”

They had met briefly before his arrival at the Rostelecom Cup, yet they had both talked to each other without any contempt or ill feelings, Javier had actually been quite excited to finally meet the Japanese star.

Everyone talked about Yuzuru Hanyu. Everyone.

“Yeah, but it’s one thing to meet someone at a competition randomly and another to actually meet the guy who changed coaches because of you and made you share your coach and ice time.”

As they walked down the familiar corridors, Javier thanked whatever God that had been listening to him for the fact that it was mostly empty. It was way too soon for someone to be actually skating already.

“Oh please, I never cared about any of that, if anything you were the intimidating one.”

“I was just a kid, how exactly was I “intimidating”?” Yuzuru turned to him, completely offended at the prospect.

“Well you were a kid but so was I, and you came from a country where everyone kissed the floor you walked in, while I was almost a nobody.”

Yuzuru’s gaze softened as he remembered a Javier from a different time, a Javier that still hadn’t quite paved his way into this world. Remembering those times it made him feel even more proud of his boyfriend, he had come a long way since then. They both had.

“Shut up, I moved countries because of your damn quad Sal.”

“Yeah, Brian didn’t actually tell me that at the time.”

“He didn’t?”

That seemed odd, considering that that had been the first thing that he had told Brian after their meeting. He would train alongside Javier Fernández, no matter what.

Somehow that had seemed like a plausible reason for Brian and he had allowed him to come to Toronto with him, within hours after their talk.

He noticed he had been completely distracted and had almost missed the turn that would lead them to the rink and the changing rooms when suddenly Javier pulled him in the opposite direction.

“Where are we going? Brian’s going to kill us.”

“He’s not here yet, I didn’t see his car outside.” Javier had no idea about that but there’s no way in hell Brian would be at the rink at seven in the morning, and by the way, Yuzuru nodded at his explanation, completely unassuming he figured that it had worked, “let’s go somewhere first.”

Years ago, just about a year after he had retired from his competitive career, the TCC had come up with an idea. A collection of sorts of famous costumes. They had asked their most noticeable skaters to lend their costumes to them in order to put them on display. It had attracted many visitors over the years, and even the skaters themselves had found themselves looking at their own clothes, remembering old times and the glory that they had conquered with them. Some brought good memories, some reminded their owners of what they used to have and no longer could reach. To Javier it was something that brought him immeasurable joy, to be able to look back at his career and recall every competition, every effort, and tears.

“I still remember this costume.” He said, looking at the costume from his old short program, in which he had earned his first podium on the Grand Prix Final.

“Oh my God, someone needs to burn it,” his boyfriend had never been a fan of that costume, and once they had put it next to the others, he had screeched and closed his eyes, saying that it hurt him physically to look at it, “you’re just lucky I wasn’t around, I would have burned it while you slept, the yellow shirt makes my eyes bleed,” he mockingly rubbed his eyes and made a cross sign with his fingers at the figurine in front of them.

The next one was quite different from the rest, considering his option to not wear anything that sparkled much, a complete contrast to his boyfriend’s own costumes.

“Now this one I like.”

“Let me guess, because it has sparkles?”

“That and the hair, I saw your old performances and your hair was really sexy on this program.”

Javier smirked at Yuzuru’s dreamy stare and placed a kiss on his cheek, “Sexier than Zorro himself?”

“Don’t push it.”

“So mean,” Javier let him move away to the other side of the room, where his costumes were being held in their glass stands, “I never complained about your Juliet costume that looked it was held together by scotch tape.”

“Listen…”

“And then you decided to upgrade it and shove a boob skirt in there.” He pointed towards Yuzuru’s free program costume from his first Olympics and laughed at his completely unamused face.

“I hate you.”

“Love you too.”

“Socchi.” Yuzuru touched the glass in front of him and just like some sort of dormant magic, memories seemed to rush all over his body. The adrenaline of the win, the disappointment of his partner’s failure and the fear for what was to come. He had been only 19, winning a Gold medal, an Olympic Gold medal felt good, it felt like he could do anything from then on, he felt powerful.

The world had become his.

But what had it meant, really? It took him a while to understand just what exactly that medal entailed and how it would change his life forever.

Gold never came without a price, and to this day Yuzuru still believed he was paying for it.

“Damn, this looks so weird when I think of the Notte swan,” right next to white costume, they could see his exhibition one, “where did the purple feathers come from?”

“I’m not even going to comment that one, you should have expected it given the designer you chose.”

“I was just a kid, I made bad choices okay.”

_And I still kept making them._

“Right, you were 24 back in the 2018-2019 season and still made poor choices about people.”

He never regretted a program so much, he had put so much work and effort on the whole construction of Otoñal and yet the person that he had used as inspiration had turned out to be a disappointment. Someone he had trusted for so long yet he had never actually known. To the public, he had kept the same usual cute interactions with the senior but people didn’t take long to understand that something was irrevocably broken between them. Javier had been his solid support through all of it, holding him close while he wept silently as he listened to his idol’s harsh words on live television. For a long time, he had wondered if he had something wrong if he was really as weak as he had been portrayed, but his boyfriend had quickly put those thoughts away with patience and love.

“Did you bring me here just to call me out?”

“Sorry,” Javier tried to lighten the mood and pointed towards yet another costume, “look I loved that one!”

Yuzuru followed his line of sight and smiled once he spotted his old Hana ni Nare costume. It had been one of his favorite exhibition programs, the song had been so perfect and it had been a pleasure to skate to something so meaningful, so melancholic yet so full of life. He had no idea why it had been put on display but he appreciated the gesture nonetheless.

“And now we have Chopin number 467-”

“Shut up that's actually the first version of it.” Ignoring Javier’s jab, he turned around, and behind him a costume long forgotten stared back at him, the hues of blue almost white, only the gold and the black of his cuffs remained almost intact, “The colors on this one faded…”

“What exactly happened to the other one?”

Javier had never asked about the first Phantom Of The Opera costume’s fate, but he couldn’t deny that he was still curious even after all these years. Did he keep it after everything?

“It was destroyed.”

“Good.” He moved closer to Yuzuru’s side and gave him a slight squeeze on his shoulder, something akin to understanding.

_It made you stronger._

_But you don’t need the memories._

“Now this one I like, your Seimei was really something, hein?”

“Seimei wasn’t mine. It never was.” Yuzuru said, looking at the intimidating warrior costume.

_Seimei was nobody and everyone._

“The purple pants of sin indeed.” Javier whistled as he pointed towards the mannequin wearing Yuzuru’s purple costume. The prince performance had tested Javier’s limits and his self-control to a whole different degree.

The way it molded Yuzuru’s perfect figure was completely sinful. And more than once he had to cut his training short when his rink mate decided to test the costume during one of their joint practices.

He still didn’t know how he survived Worlds and the Grand Prix Final on that year.

“Oh shut up, this is my “Black Betty”, Yuzuru stuck his tongue at him, “such an underrated program.”

Javier decided to steer the conversation away from the topic and gestured towards one of his favorite ones, “Hope and Legacy was truly a masterpiece.”

It didn’t look even the slightest bit faded, the vibrant blues and greens all still impeccable against the white background. Like time hadn’t touched it all. The costume a masterpiece itself.

“It was…did you know it was my favorite program?” Yuzuru asked him, as he gingerly touched the cool glass surrounding it.

“I thought it was Seimei?”

“Seimei is something I’ll never forget, and it gave me the Olympic title for the second time, but,” Yuzuru rested his forehead against the glass and let the cold bring back some of the best memories of his life, “back in 2017 I had already lost the world title to you, twice… I had a disastrous short, I didn’t know what was going to happen to me if I lost, yet again. Still, Hope and Legacy lived up to its name, it showed me hope, it showed me what I could do, it gave me a glimpse of the legacy I could leave behind me. It made feel alive.”

Javier held his hand on his own and gave it a gentle squeeze, “Well then,” he said, “I guess it’s my new favorite program too.”

They kept walking through the endless rows of fabric and sparkling jewelry until they reached the most resplendent costume yet, and the one that most visitors came to see from all over the world.

“Notte!”

The swan costume shined brightly under the artificial light, beautiful as ever. Its feathers a pristine white color and the jewelry intact.

“It’s remarkable how the duck suit kept its feathers until now, it was really worth the millions you paid for it.”

“Millions…?” he turned around and looked at Javi as if he was missing something obvious, “Javi it doesn’t have actual diamonds sewn into it, you know that, right?”

“I wouldn’t put it past you…”

“I tried but it would become heavy.”

“Oh my God.”

He tried to ask if he really had tried to stitch diamonds into it when they stopped by his own Olympic costume, “Okay I lied, the whole Don Quixote thing was my favorite program, ever.”

“Was it the sleeves?”

“It was the Olympics, I’ll never forget it.”

“Neither will I.”

It had been a year full of important decisions for both of them.

Full of pain and tears, of disappointment and lost hope.

Yet the most important year for both of them. Javier had gotten a bronze medal and his rightful place on the Olympic podium besides Yuzuru, as he won his second champion title.

Still, after the press and the laughter and the tears had all gone away for the day and that was left was their inevitable separation. They had both taken a shot in the dark.

Until then they had danced around each other for years, never crossing a line but always knowing that the line was something they had established themselves, without any real reason why.

That night had been a night of many firsts.

“Okay, I think it’s time for us to go, I swear I heard Brian’s voice outside.”

Yuzuru reached for his hand and together they left the old memories behind. The ghosts of their past had been responsible for everything that they were today. Yet, they refused to let them hold any power over them any longer.

And Javier would make sure they would start a new chapter of their lives together, soon. 

Their future awaited them.

 

* * *

 

_"I had a dream once you know? About these twins...the boy looked just like you, and the girl would constantly...."_

 

(to be continued)

 


End file.
